Dear Abby and Chopstick,
My teenage son is a liar. He lies about almost everything. The other day he told me he lost his cellphone and that it was his friend's fault, when he actually dropped it in the toilet. Is it too much to get some truth out of him? -Exasperated Dad

Dear Exaspy,
Abby: As Judge Judy once said, “you can tell your teenager is lying because their lips are moving.” Teenagers lie, especially obnoxious, self-absorbed, grandiose, self-righteous, entitled feeling teenagers. Remind yourself this is most likely a passing phase and if you continue to set a good example yourself, by speaking the truth, they will also likely come around, eventually. While you are patiently waiting for this to happen, go for a walk, get a drink from your bowl. And ground him for a month.

Chopstick: Liar, liar pants on fire! Whenever he asks for something from now on, begin every answer with, “when I was your age...” and go into detail about how tough you had it (whether you had it tough or not), until he goes away or drops his request.


Dear Abby & Choppy,
My co-worker in the cubicle next to me endlessly, and loudly, talks on the phone to her friends. I can't get any work done. It's driving me crazy. I asked her nicely to lower her voice and out of spite she talks even louder now. Please help. -Angry Associate

Dear Angry A,
Abby: Angry dogs attract angry dogs. Happy dogs attract almost everyone. Be sure you ask nicely. Explain that you are doing a difficult assignment and you need full concentration. If your kindness is rebuffed, then ask your boss to talk to her boss. Or asked to be moved. If that doesn't work, buy earplugs.

Chopstick: Eat the most obnoxious food you can find. Sardines in garlic oil, extra ripe kimchi and raw onions for starters and discuss your latest doctor visit loudly and in great detail to whomever will listen until the offending person takes the hint, or quits.

LIFE-SAPPING WIFE

Dear Abby and Chopstick,
My sister-in-law berates my brother at family functions. It makes everyone uncomfortable. I want my brother to stop being a wimp and grow some balls or at least go to couples counseling. Or stop attending family functions altogether. How do I tell him? -Too Stressed

Dear Too,
Abby: It's already hard enough to change ourselves, it is nearly impossible to change someone else. If the room stinks, don't fart more. The next time your sis-in-law poops on your bro, politely tell them in a calm, sweet voice, that it's making people uncomfortable and to please work it out in private. If this fails, have everyone else leave the room.

Chopstick: If your wife turns you into a ball-less wonder, it's time to re-inflate them and do the alley cat strut.

SLOPPY JOE WON'T CLEAN

Dear A&C,

My partner leaves his dirty dishes and filthy socks all over our apartment. I am tired of telling him to clean up his mess, and I am tired of cleaning it myself. - Not The Maid

Dear Not,
Abby: Don't curse the dark, turn on the light. Hire a cleaning person yourself, when he's not home. Or do what I do; chew his socks until he can't wear them anymore.

Chopstick: Dump your boyfriend like he's month old litter.

SUCKY BOSS, SUCKS THE LIFE OUT

Dear Abby and Chopstick,
My boss sucks. He is mean and yells and screams like he's terrible two's, but he's over 40. How can I bring some sanity to my workplace? - Disgruntled Employee

Abby: Your boss sounds like a rogue pit bill who needs more nap time. Their insanity is not your insanity. His tantrums are about him, not you. If he doesn't like the job you're doing, he can talk to you like a normal person. He is probably just angry, hungry, lonely or tired. Pet his tummy and sincerely compliment him once in a while.

Chopstick: Your dog sounds like a real hairball. Cough him out and polish your resume.


MOTHER HAS NO BOUNDARIES

Dear Abby and Chopstick
My mom constantly barges into my apartment, and my life, unannounced to give me unsolicited advice on how I am doing everything wrong with my life. It's making me nuts. How do I handle her? -Wish I Was Adopted

Abby: Once a mother, always a mother. Accept that she has your best interests at heart, even if they're way-off-base, completely backward and horribly distorted. When she starts in, thank her for her concern and advice, and politely, but firmly tell her you've got it from here.

Chopstick: Your mom has too much free time on her paws. Escape out the window and don't leave a forwarding address.

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