NOT THE FAVORITE SON
Dear Abby and Chopstick,
My dad favors my oldest brother. It's so obvious. When he got a divorce, my father bought him a Mercedes. Should I tell my dad his favoritism is way too obvious? - Short Shrifted Younger Brother

Dear Shorty,
Abby: Comparing and despairing doesn't get you anywhere. Count your blessings that you are not getting divorced. Let him have his car, you have your peace of mind.

Chopstick: Ask your brother if you can borrow his car and then poo in the driver's seat. End of problem.

TWISTED SISTER
Dearest Abby and Chopstick,
My sister and I inherited a summer home together from our parents. But now my sister acts like she owns the place. We agreed to make much need improvements to the bathrooms. But she didn't make any decisions on how to fix it, didn't want to pay for it and then complained about the result. I'm ready to pull my hair out, or hers. -Ready for a Vacation

Dear Ready,
Abby: Have a good hair day everyday. It sounds like she is still acting out some childhood slight you may or may not have caused her and she is still seeking her pound of flesh. But she is really no match for you. Ignore her tirades, she really just wants to draw you into an old fight she is still having in her head. Take a long bath in your new bathroom and pat yourself on the back for a job well done. If not for you, the toilets might be flushing backwards right now.

Chopstick: What your sister needs is what my german grandmother used to do in these situations, “zwei schmatzen und raus.” Give her two smacks and tell her to get out. These can be interpreted metaphorically.

Dear Abby and Chopstick,
My teenage son is a liar. He lies about almost everything. The other day he told me he lost his cellphone and that it was his friend's fault, when he actually dropped it in the toilet. Is it too much to get some truth out of him? -Exasperated Dad

Dear Exaspy,
Abby: As Judge Judy once said, “you can tell your teenager is lying because their lips are moving.” Teenagers lie, especially obnoxious, self-absorbed, grandiose, self-righteous, entitled feeling teenagers. Remind yourself this is most likely a passing phase and if you continue to set a good example yourself, by speaking the truth, they will also likely come around, eventually. While you are patiently waiting for this to happen, go for a walk, get a drink from your bowl. And ground him for a month.

Chopstick: Liar, liar pants on fire! Whenever he asks for something from now on, begin every answer with, “when I was your age...” and go into detail about how tough you had it (whether you had it tough or not), until he goes away or drops his request.


Dear Abby & Choppy,
My co-worker in the cubicle next to me endlessly, and loudly, talks on the phone to her friends. I can't get any work done. It's driving me crazy. I asked her nicely to lower her voice and out of spite she talks even louder now. Please help. -Angry Associate

Dear Angry A,
Abby: Angry dogs attract angry dogs. Happy dogs attract almost everyone. Be sure you ask nicely. Explain that you are doing a difficult assignment and you need full concentration. If your kindness is rebuffed, then ask your boss to talk to her boss. Or asked to be moved. If that doesn't work, buy earplugs.

Chopstick: Eat the most obnoxious food you can find. Sardines in garlic oil, extra ripe kimchi and raw onions for starters and discuss your latest doctor visit loudly and in great detail to whomever will listen until the offending person takes the hint, or quits.

LIFE-SAPPING WIFE

Dear Abby and Chopstick,
My sister-in-law berates my brother at family functions. It makes everyone uncomfortable. I want my brother to stop being a wimp and grow some balls or at least go to couples counseling. Or stop attending family functions altogether. How do I tell him? -Too Stressed

Dear Too,
Abby: It's already hard enough to change ourselves, it is nearly impossible to change someone else. If the room stinks, don't fart more. The next time your sis-in-law poops on your bro, politely tell them in a calm, sweet voice, that it's making people uncomfortable and to please work it out in private. If this fails, have everyone else leave the room.

Chopstick: If your wife turns you into a ball-less wonder, it's time to re-inflate them and do the alley cat strut.

SLOPPY JOE WON'T CLEAN

Dear A&C,

My partner leaves his dirty dishes and filthy socks all over our apartment. I am tired of telling him to clean up his mess, and I am tired of cleaning it myself. - Not The Maid

Dear Not,
Abby: Don't curse the dark, turn on the light. Hire a cleaning person yourself, when he's not home. Or do what I do; chew his socks until he can't wear them anymore.

Chopstick: Dump your boyfriend like he's month old litter.

SUCKY BOSS, SUCKS THE LIFE OUT

Dear Abby and Chopstick,
My boss sucks. He is mean and yells and screams like he's terrible two's, but he's over 40. How can I bring some sanity to my workplace? - Disgruntled Employee

Abby: Your boss sounds like a rogue pit bill who needs more nap time. Their insanity is not your insanity. His tantrums are about him, not you. If he doesn't like the job you're doing, he can talk to you like a normal person. He is probably just angry, hungry, lonely or tired. Pet his tummy and sincerely compliment him once in a while.

Chopstick: Your dog sounds like a real hairball. Cough him out and polish your resume.


MOTHER HAS NO BOUNDARIES

Dear Abby and Chopstick
My mom constantly barges into my apartment, and my life, unannounced to give me unsolicited advice on how I am doing everything wrong with my life. It's making me nuts. How do I handle her? -Wish I Was Adopted

Abby: Once a mother, always a mother. Accept that she has your best interests at heart, even if they're way-off-base, completely backward and horribly distorted. When she starts in, thank her for her concern and advice, and politely, but firmly tell her you've got it from here.

Chopstick: Your mom has too much free time on her paws. Escape out the window and don't leave a forwarding address.

GOT SOMEONE YOU'D LIKE TO THROTTLE BUT SHOULDN'T? SUBMIT YOUR QUESTIONS TO ABBY AND CHOPSTICK: [email protected]

Abby speaks:

1. Ignore them. Don't growl back. It's no fun to fight alone. Difficult people and dogs want an audience. If you don't engage them at their level, there is nothing to fight over.

2. See them better than they see themselves. When people and dogs do mean things, it's because they don't love themselves at that moment. Imagine what they would be like at their shining best holding a crunchy biscuit and a fresh bone.

3. Is it Me? Don't be difficult personality yourself. How many fleas are you contributing? Even if they are 95% wrong, what can you do about your 5%?

4. Don't get into a pissing match with a skunk. Those watching might not be able to tell the difference and you'll both end up needing a bath.

5. You can't fix stupid. Don't even try.

6. Put yourself in "Time Out." If they won't play nice, walk out the door and go do something you like until everybody cools off.

7. Apologize. If you pee on someone's leg, say you're sorry sincerely and clean it up as fast as you can.

8. Change the subject. Are you just going around and around in circles biting each other's tails? Look over there, a butterfly!

9. Smile and say something nice. It's amazing how well widening your eyes and tilting your head, or even a lick on the hand, can change the situation and brighten your entire day.

10. If the room stinks, don't fart more. Do I even need to explain this?

Hungry, Angry, Lonely or Tired? 5 Ways to Break the Vicious Cycle and Be Happier

Are you dealing with difficult people a lot? Do you find angry people everywhere? If you're having trouble in your relationships with bosses, spouses, family members or strangers, notice what part you may be playing in the drama.

The answer to better relationships is to change you first, then the rest follows. Here are 5 tips from the book “Pee On It and Walk Away: How to Stay Stress-Free Among Difficult People. Life Lessons from Superdog Abby” that can help you have happier, healthier relationships. Starting with yourself.

1. Eat Properly – Seriously. An empty stomach and your gas tank is low. Don't run or walk on empty. We need fuel to think better and to make wise decisions. But eat healthy food. Unhealthy food, i.e. processed foods, refined sugars, can affect your mood for the worse. More greens and less snack cakes.

2. Find A friend  - or a group of like minded people. If you are not the social type, find a group of people who don't like to talk. Is there a meetup or organization in your area where you can go and hang out? Your body and soul thrives on company.

3. Like Attracts Like. Happiness starts with you. If you are cranky, you will attract cranky people. If you are happy (or pretend to be), happiness will follow and you won't have to fake it for long.

4. Take A Nap -  Make the time to rest. Your body needs to refuel. Sleep eight hours. Meditate for 5 minutes. Run into a closet and take 5 deep breaths. You are not a hero if you exhaust yourself for your job, spouse, children, friends, you are just worn out.

5. Cultivate a/Your Spiritual Practice - Choose something that comforts your soul and makes your heart sing. Everyday. Several times a day. All True Paths lead to Heaven.


Esther Yang and Roger Ziegler - Authors of "Pee On It and Walk Away:  Life
lessons from Superdog Abby.” Funny, simple wisdoms that create Everybody Wins solutions to life's challenging and most difficult situations. www.peeandwalk.com